I lost my sarcasm, has anyone seen it?

When you can't seem to find the answers...

2012-03-11T19:44:00.000+08:00

And there's the danger of being a loner. So it's good to get some time to just talk to yourself and sort your thoughts, but then when you find yourself arguing with yourself, it would be hard to settle who wins.

My thoughts have been wandering a lot this past few weeks, and as I've mentioned before, Myself took some days off. Well, she came back and we were good until we had some serious talking. I realized that she wasn't the only one that was missing, I still felt some gap within me and with that, a lot of questions started boggling my mind. I've been accomplishing nothing acad-related, with all the pondering I've been doing. So I thought, why not give the thoughts a rest? Why don't I just clear my mind and start doing requirements?

It was only last night that I discovered that, perhaps, I was attacking this the wrong way. As I was talking to my friend (and that time, it was real person, mind you) about his own inner riots, I realized that I should have talked to someone about my thoughts. Or perhaps I tried to, but everyone was too busy either with acads or extracurricular activities, or they simply did not understand the things going on inside my head, they simply didn't care...or maybe I just didn't know how to tell them everything. (And there I was revisited by the feeling of being alone...again). Or maybe sometimes I'm given the illusion that everything's fine and I don't really need to get my questions answered.

I don't want to embrace that illusion, that's for sure. While I was trying to comfort and help out a friend, I found out that I was trying to comfort and help out myself, as well. I was really surprised the moment I realized that the answers I was supplying him where the very answers I myself needed. I didn't even know where the words were coming from...perhaps, like I've told him, the answers we see lie within ourselves, and our conversation triggered the pulling out of those answers. As I was listening to him, I was thinking, I've been through this weeks before. He was asking me the same questions I've been asking myself. And perhaps the answers I gave him should be what I should live by...for now.

What's the most important thing in life? Happiness. How do you achieve it? Appreciate what you have. Do what you love. If you're happy with what you're doing, then continue doing it. Do not be afraid that you're not suitable for it. Wouldn't it be better to live in an imagined world? Everything would be ideal, and would go the way you want them to be. But nothing there is real...you'll only be distancing yourself from your loved ones. When you finally decide to come back to the real world, you'll have a hard time distinguishing truth from fiction. And think about it, living in an imagined world? That's not living at all. And the answers to all your questions? They're within you. Ok, maybe not all of them, but...you do know what the answers are, they're already there. Perhaps you just need to clear your mind and block out those things that distract you. Or...maybe you just need to talk to someone, that's how I got some of the answers I needed.

Reunited

2012-03-04T02:37:00.000+08:00

Good news! I just found Myself. She hasn't promised to not leave again yet but...well, I'll just grab the opportunity while she's still with me. :P

So...here it goes. Lately, I've been finding everything going too fast. It's as if I keep on chasing but I never catch up. :| The days have been going by real quickly, probably because of my messed up circadian rhythm, and the fact that (fine, I'll admit it) I've been slacking off...big time.

But for some unknown reason, that won't be the focus of my post tonight...errrr...at this time of the day...whatever. I've mentioned earlier that I've been reunited with Myself. And well, I just noticed that when I noticed I just noticed there were some things I've noticed about myself. And these are the following:

I dislike reports. Scratch that, I hate reports. I just don't like talking about something ~~I don't even care about~~ I'm not comfortable with. And I don't like speaking in front of a lot of people. Which is weird, because I don't remember feeling that way when we were presenting our paper in the 7th NNLPRS. But that's probably because I wanted to talk about vowel spaces, anyway. :P
Myself has been wandering a lot lately, leaving me with no one to offer me solace. *sob* Come on, Myself, you're the only one I've got and you decide to suddenly leave me?! :( But for now, you are forgiven, for you have returned. I just hope you stay for good, or at least stay longer.
I dislike writing papers as much as I dislike reporting. Ok, I hate reporting more, prolly because with papers I can express my thoughts and opinions more freely...and sometimes I can let my personality shine through without embarrassing myself...that much. And I can inject my humor without fear of being judged. Ok, not really. :P
I am a procrastinator and a crammer. Ok, so there's nothing new with that. :P But, well, I find it hard to do acad-related stuff when I'm not inspired or motivated enough. There are times when my thoughts just go freely and I can go on and on. Believe me. But this is something I have to change because I have to learn to work with deadlines. And by that, I mean being able to pass my requirements hours or even days before the deadline. And that also means I'll have to start working on the requirement as soon as it's given so I have enough time to read and revise.
This is not new information, either but...I'm not the type of person who reads what she writes. So, yeah, after typing all of this down, I probably won't read it. And that's partly the reason for my typos. And grammatical errors. And irrelevant statements.
Still related to acads. I just realized I can spend so much time listening to music, watching music videos and flourish tutorials, blogging but not on accomplishing my requirements. Oh, yeah, and add watching sometimes pointless videos on Youtube to that. XDD I don't know...I'm really feeling my topic for 170 right now and it's something really close to my heart but I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I'm not yet ready to accept what I'll learn from it...the ideas are all there but I just can't...*sigh*
I'm shoving food into my mouth right now even though I'm not hungry. It's as if I'm eating because I'm stressed or something.
I want summer. Now. Well, minus the heat, which, I'm sure, we're all feeling right now. Well at least here in the campus, I can. And I bet it's even hotter outside, all over Metro Manila, with less shades and more concrete. Well, anyway, this spot is not for that. Ok, so summer. I'm just really excited for field work! :3 There's a huge chance we'll be going to Ilocos for that. Ok, actually, scratch huge. I'll have to battle for a slot during the preenlistment period (the two other sections will be doing their field work in Bulacan, by the way...which is not bad but...). Then I'll need money for that--transportation, food, accommodation. I just hope I get myself in that class, I'm all for the experience...and well, let's just say I love the teaching style of the one who'll be handling that section. <3
I haven't been thinking before clicking lately. I am aware that even my personal twitter account's tweets are set to public (all for SD :P), yet I just voice out whatever I think of there. I think that's just really insensitive of me. Not only that, I've been a very bad girl on Facebook, doing pretty much the same thing there. I promise I'll choose my words carefully, well that is until I get my tweets set to private again. hahaha
My laptop's clock says it's 2:26am now, and my eyes are getting pretty tired. I haven't been productive the previous day...I haven't been productive at all, lately (and I even had the nerve to blame Myself for this :P). I keep on promising myself I'd do everything the next day, which I end up failing to do so.
I'm seeing/imagining things again. O_O
I've got less than a month to finish my unfinished business. Or I'll be dead. Which, obviously, is not good.
I'm afraid of losing Myself again. Come on, don't just leave me hanging here. Bringing me new information is not an excuse. Ok, maybe it is. But can you please not leave me in the middle of crises, when I need you the most? Thank you.

I'd love to celebrate the reunion but I'm afraid it's too early. Maybe when we've finished the things we need to do. And honestly, I'm afraid she'll leave again once I fall asleep. (-______________-)

P.S. I'm not insane. Well, at least I don't think I am. :P

Come Back Home

2012-03-03T01:59:00.002+08:00

Hello. Kumusta na? Matagal-tagal na rin pala tayong hindi nagkakasama. Nasaan ka na nga ba ngayon?

Alam mo, miss na miss na kita. Ngayong wala ka sa piling ko, sobra akong naguguluhan...nalilito...hindi ko na alam kung san ako patungo. Para bang nawalan ng direksyon ang buhay ko. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na parang nawawalan ka na ng dahilan para bumangon sa umaga? But you wake up anyway.

Oo, ako nga yung tipo ng tao na nabubuhay sa kasalukuyan--wala masyadong pagpaplano, ganun. Pero malala na 'to eh--sobrang negatibo na ng epekto sa 'kin. Para na lamang akong isang floating entity, parang almost negligible na ang existence ko. Gusto kitang sisihin pero...

Wala na nga akong ideya kung anong nangyayari sa buhay ko. Tambak ng overdue na requirements, mediocre ang performance. Pero malamang, ang sasabihin mo lang sa 'kin, "Anong bago dun?" Ikaw ba, ano nang balita sa'yo? Saan ka na ba napadpad? Alam mo, miss na miss na kita.

Malamang, ang sasabihin mo sa 'kin, "Wala ka na bang ibang masisi? Ako na naman nakita mo. Malayo na nga ako, sa akin mo pa rin naisip isisi ang mga nangyayari sa'yo."

Sorry na, ok? Sino pa ba ang pwede kong sisihin? Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa constant na paninisi ko sa'yo kaya tayo nagkahiwalay. Pero please naman, intindihin mo naman ako. Tao din ako...nafu-frustrate...naguguluhan... Ikaw na nga lang ang meron ako, hindi mo pa ko iintindihin. Ikaw na nga lang ang meron ako, lumayo ka pa. Pasensya na, itinaboy ba kita? Tayo na nga lang ang andito para sa isa't isa, magkakatampuhan pa ba tayo?

Asan ka na nga ba? Alam mo, miss na miss na kita. Namimiss ko na yung sarcasm mo, yung jokes mong korni, na ikaw lang naman ang nakakainitindi. I miss the one who always tells me to look at the bright side. Ano ba, asan ka na ba? Inunahan mo na ba akong magbakasyon?

Buong akala ko, okay na tayo eh. Kelan nga ba yun? Last week ba? Kelan nga ba tayo huling nagkatagpo? Akala ko naman mananatili ka na dito, yun pala aalis ka din kaagad.

Malamang, sasabihin mo lang sa 'kin, "Itulog mo na lang yan. Ilang oras ka na nga lang ba natutulog sa isang linggo?" Pero, ewan ko sa'yo, ikaw din naman ata ang dahilan kung bakit lagi akong napupuyat. O dahil ba dun, kaya ka umalis? Ano na ba? Alam mo, miss na miss na kita.

It's like we've gone our separate ways. Ano, pakanan ka ba, tapos ako pakaliwa? Hindi na ba nagtutugma ang mga paniniwala natin...ang mga pangarap natin? Well, siguro nga, bilang unti-unti na ata akong nawawalan ng pangarap at pag-asa. O baka naman nagdadrama lang ako dahil natambakan na ko ng mga gawain. Which is, by the way, partly kasalanan mo rin. Malamang, sasabihin mo na naman, "O, ako na naman ang sinisisi mo."

Alam mo, muntik na kong maniwala na nagkatagpo na naman tayo kanina. Pero mukhang imahinasyon ko lang yun, at sobrang desperado lang ako na makapiling kang muli.

Gaano pa ba katagal? Saan ka ba pupunta, anyway?

Bumalik ka na, please. Nagmamakaawa ako. Kailangang-kailangan ko ang sarili ko ngayon.

IMLD

2012-02-21T20:45:00.000+08:00

Isang maligayang Internasyunal na Araw ng Inang Wika sa inyo! At dahil dito, gagamitin ko ang aking inang wika (Tagalog), sa pagsusulat ng paskil na ito! :D (Paskil...ang unnatural lang...hahaha)

Sayang lang, may isang forum dapat ang organisasyon namin kanina bilang parte ng selebrasyon ng IMLD International Mother Language Day, ngunit di na ito natuloy. Gayunpaman, maaari nyong i-ilike ang pahina namin para dito sa Facebook. :)

PERO, bukas naman ay magkakaroon kami ng isang exhibit sa AS Walk. Kung may panahon kayo ay dumaan kayo dito, meron kaming photobooth at LIBRE ang pagpapakuha na litrato dito. O, di ba? :D Kung gusto nyong mas makilala pa ang aming organisasyon, ang mga layunin at mithiin namin, dumaan na rin kayo sa exhibit namin o kaya'y i-like ang aming FB page.

Pero teka, andami ko nang naidada pero hindi ko pa rin pala naipapaliwanag kung ano ba ang IMLD. :P Para sa inyong mga di nakakaalam, ang araw na ito ay nakalaan para sa pagpupunyagi ng ating mga inang wika, o ang unang wika na natutunan natin. Sa aking kaso, ito ay Tagalog. :)

Importante rin na malaman na ang Ilokano, Kapampangan at Bisaya ay mga wika din, at hindi dayalekto ayon na lamang sa ating natutunan mula sa elementarya at high school. Bakit? Hindi porke't hindi Filipino ay dayalekto na agad. Ang dayalekto ay isang maituturing na "variation" ng isang wika. Halimbawa na lamang ang wikang Tagalog; ang mga dayalekto nito ay Tagalog Quezon (represent! hahaha), Tagalog Laguna, Tagalog Bulacan, at marami pang iba.

Ang isa pang ikinaganda ng pagpupunyaging ito ay ang pagbibigay natin ng importansya sa ating inang wika. Nakalulungkot isipin na madalas, naiaangat natin ang ating mga L2 (o yung mga wikang natutunan natin pagkatapos ng L1, ang ating inang wika) kagaya na lamang ng Ingles. O kung sa non-Tagalog speakers naman, mas napahahalagahan ang pag-aaral ng Filipino kaysa, sabihin natin, Ilokano o kung ano pa man. Oo, kailangan natin tayo para maging mas "competent" ngunit di dapat sa expense ng ating inang wika. Isa pa, di ba mas madaling makaintindi ng mahihirap na konsepto, gaya na lamang ng sa Math o Science kung ituturo ang mga ito gamit ang ating inang wika? Sa palagay ko, maaari pa rin naman nating gamitin ang mga terminong velocity o kaya nama'y derivative, pero maaari silang ipaliwanag gamit ang wikang malapit sa ating mga puso, ang wikang ginagamit natin mula pagkabata.

Ayun naman, kung gusto nyo pang mas maraming malaman ukol dito, i-like nyo lamang ang mga pahinang naibigay ko na kanina. O baka gusto nyo kaming tanungin personally, daan lang kayo sa exhibit namin bukas, muli, sa AS Walk. Nasa tapat kami nung space na malapit sa Bio Pav, mga dalawang espasyo ata mula sa guwardiya. :P

Mabuhay ang Inang Wika! \(^-^)/

Wanted: Concert Buddy

2012-02-14T23:31:00.000+08:00

Can you stand being dragged around? XDD

Can you stand random conversations?

~~Can you pretend you get my humor?~~

~~Do you love music?~~ Do you eat, breathe, sleep, and pee music?

Well you're the one I'm looking for! :P Lels, I just realized that I have no one to go with on Loverage, which will be on Thursday. My friends already have plans (that don't include me. hahaha)...well they are going, but with someone else. And so I am...

I'll be needing a concert buddy sooner or later. Or perhaps even this week. I can probably survive Loverage alone, but if my brother can't come for Liv5 on Saturday...well, I don't know who I'll take with me. I want to be with someone who can appreciate this type of music.

And I'll probably be going to more concerts in the future (so I wish for more money. hahaha), eventhough I just stand there awkwardly, taking in the music, on guard for sudden off-keys and stuff like that. Maybe I'll be able to take my brother with me by next year, but even he does not like all of the bands I like. Than again, maybe I can just go by myself. All the time. :P

So this is my way of inviting you to come with me. Kidding. Ugh, forever concert buddy, when shall I meet you? :|

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down?

2012-02-13T19:52:00.000+08:00

It's really weird that I don't like this kind of weather that much now. Back in elementary and high school, I would wish for the rain to come, because I enjoyed the cool breeze and the pitter-patter of the raindrops. I had that attitude towards rain until about first year college, I think. I remember not even bothering to bring an umbrella with me because I just loved getting drenched ~~and getting all emo walking in the rain~~.

This probably changed when I developed love for summer, back in 2010. Or it might be that I've grown out of embracing stuff dark and morose. :P Come to think of it, the rain served as my friend back then--the shower simply provided comfort and solace to me. It was as if there was this unspoken understanding between us. It made me feel calm and not alone.

Or maybe it's the Monday factor. I've always hated Monday because it always meant I had to say goodbye to the awesome weekend. But that's no longer the case, since my school week starts on Tuesday (in which I have only one class haha). Or perhaps it's just this exact day, and the nagging reminder that tomorrow is Valentine's day. But I don't even care about that day either, I just want to treat myself to good cake and pasta. :p

So what is it? I enjoyed the sudden downpour in camp last weekend; and this certain scene keeps on playing in my mind--me standing in the rain, head up facing the sky and eyes closed, enjoying the moment with this some one. #hopelessromantic (Scratch that, I'll probably just use that for a story I'll write.)

I'm slowly losing faith in the post, as I don't think I'll get to the root of this melancholy...ness. (If there's such a word. hahaha) Wait, maybe it's the fact that there's less chance for my clothes to dry up in time for class tomorrow. XDD But that's a shallow reason.

So maybe something I wrote sometime last year (which didn't get blogged before because I was too cowardly to do so) holds the answer. Warning: this might contain emo-ness and vagueness. :P (And it sucks that it's undated but I probably wrote it March last year, because my next scribble was dated 19th of March, 2011.)

I love the rain. Not a lot of people do. Colds. Fever. Party pooper. Wet shoes and clothes. Those are probably the words that will come to their minds upon seeing these droplets of water falling from the sky.

Not for me. It makes me feel calm, comforts me and lets me know that I am not alone. While others don't want to be caught in it, I want to be drenched by it. I feel like it's a part of me.

That was before. Now I'm like everyone else. Worried that I might get sick, that my shoes and socks will get wet and squishy and stinky. The thought of lightning and thunder even amused me. What happened?

Did I feel like this too, two years ago? I can't remember. But it was sometime that year when something I just remembered happened. What month was it again?

It was a rainy afternoon. I was going back and forth corridors. Where was I headed to anyway? Wasn't I supposed to have a class at that time?

They say that the things you remember are the ones important to you. I remember passing by you once or twice. I was being careful. I was trying to stop myself from staring at you. I was only able to glance at you. Where were you going? Didn't you have an umbrella with you or did you really intend to stay in the hall?

What about me? Did I already have my blue umbrella then, the one with stars on it? Was it raining that hard that I cannot go to the other building?

I cannot recall. I only remember your face. How can I not? Yours is angelic, perhaps designed to mesmerize ladies whose eyes fall upon it. Was I the only one whose attention you got? I'm sure not.

Do you remember? I just did when I was sitting by the window this afternoon, having a conversation with my friend, about the rain. We both loved it, but deep inside I was lonely. Is it no longer a part of me?

What do YOU remember when it rains? Does it remind you of anything?

Now I have only a few things to tell you. First, always bring an umbrella. Weather is very unpredictable. Second, if by any chance, you stumble upon this and happen to read through it, forget about it after. Don't bother yourself about it. I didn't write this so you would pity me or anything. And lastly, maybe some things are better left unsaid. I know I will forever wonder why, but for now i'll just make myself believe that it was an act off kindness, and everything that followed was so that a girl won't go on expecting anything. It's not your fault if-- I will forever thank you for that because you made that day more special.

So there. For a moment there, I was worried that I wrote it down on the notebook I lost. XDD Maybe now that I've taken it all out, I won't hate the rain that much anymore. Or.

'Til now I don't know what the reason is. For now, I'll just pretend it's because it's V-day tomorrow. haha

Musings of a Frustrated Fangirl

2012-02-12T01:34:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to think music is for the rich.

If you're the musician...

Unless you're awfully talented, you'll need money to catch people's attention. To get your music heard, you'll have to pay for recording, and blank CD's to pass around. If you're going to record everything on your own, you'll need the equipment--laptop/computer, microphone, and of course a musical instrument...and even the software. Then spread it like wildfire on the internet...and you have to pay for the connection, or broadband load. Then, there are the gigs--you visit different bars/restaurants/whatever, and will probably have to pay for transportation...gas if you have your own car, fare if you don't. And you'll also need load to contact people.

If you're the fan...

You'll have to purchase the CDs (if you want physical copies) or the songs online. Then you'll probably have to buy multiple copies in order to have them signed by the artist. To show your support, you have to buy tickets to the artist's concert. If you're meeting him up close, you'll probably need a camera to capture that awesome moment. To show you're a true blue fan, you buy merch--shirts, ballers, pins, whatever. You buy magazines/newspapers he's featured in. You buy whatever he advertises/models for.

And it's not just money we spend...we give the artist our time, love, and devotion. If you're a hardcore fan, you go the extra mile and attend every gig of his. Attending his gigs is top of your priority list. You adore not only his music now, you get attracted to his charms, and admire the way he dresses. You make sure you spend time on requesting for his songs on the radio and in various music channels, and voting for them. You make it a point to have his music reach your friends and other social networks. You blog about him...everything you post on Facebook or Twitter is about him. You 'stalk' him--you just have to know his age, his birthday, where he's from, where he studies/graduated, his favorite color, the qualities he's looking for in a girl...the list goes on. You make sure you're the first to know the recent blah about him. You make sure you hear his new song or watch the music video on its premiere.

And that's the sad truth. Nothing is for free anymore. Eventhough the artist's intention is good (which is usually sharing his music with other people), we can't deny that it's still business. Even the artist has to give something up. Perhaps music now is a never-ending exchange of emotions and sacrifices. Nevertheless, we end up getting satisfied in one way or another. Well, at least I think so.

~~#frustratedfangirl.~~

Life After

2012-02-11T14:51:00.000+08:00

My lack of planning amazes me. Ok, so I do plan...occasionally, but they end up not getting realized anyway. Is it because I'm the type of person that lives for the present and just goes with the flow?

With this attitude, I really won't have any problems with not planning BUT it has finally sunk into me that I'm in my third year now. If all goes well, I'll be graduating next year and heading off into the jungle. Problem: 'til now, I have no idea what job/career I'll be venturing into. Like I've said before, the original plan (so I did plan) was to go to college to earn a diploma. Things are getting pretty complicated now that I'm wondering what I really want to do with my life. So sure, I've been telling everyone that I'll work after college, then study again when I earn enough money (I really want to take Speech Pathology) but what exactly will I do? We've been told that there are a lot of opportunities for us Linguistics majors but I just don't see myself doing any of these, especially being in the academe (which is highly unlikely, by the way). AND I need to pass my subjects first before I can reach graduating status. Given my current situation (messed up circadian rhythm/sleeping habits --> not being able to wake up early --> missing a lot of classes), well, I might have a problem on that one. Plus the unfinished business. Ugh. ~~And what am I doing?! I'm ranting about it on my blog!~~

I don't want to get stuck in an office cubicle, I can't work with a 'boss' but I totally suck at business and entrepreneurship, and I don't want to teach (which, as I've stated earlier, is highly unlikely, anyway). A musical career won't take me anywhere, either, as I've stopped playing the guitar since college, I don't have an awesome voice and I highly doubt that my family will support me on that one. Sure, I've come up with a list of things I want to do with my life but...I don't think one fits the description 'stable source of income'. I just might have wasted my father's hard work and sacrifices.

So I guess I can say I've hit a dead-end this time. I'm not losing hope though, I still have another year--and that makes me worry at the same time. That's like the deadline for me now--figure out what you want to do post-grad or else...

And I just can't help myself from thinking of those who never even had a chance to have a good education. I bet it's harder for them to land a decent job, and they've got their financial problems to worry about. (Ok, so we're not that rich either, but I think we're relatively better off.) Or those people working while they're studying. It's almost as if I'm being handed over a platter of opportunities and I merely shrugged it off.

Will I end up a bum and eventually be part of the country's problems? I hope not. It's not too late, though--I'll take the one-year deadline. I guess it will be another battle with my mortal enemy...the clock is ticking...

Musical Woes

2012-02-02T19:29:00.000+08:00

I'm just going to rant here since I have no one to talk to about this and I just wanna cry. XDD

So ARTTM is going to Trinoma on the 18th and MMI has this cover song contest, the winners get meet and greet passes (there are four more bands--The Summer Set, The Ready Set, FTSK, and A+ Dropouts). I wanted to give it a try since my brother and I are fans of ARTTM and it would be a wonderful experience to meet them in person and probably talk to them. I just have a little problem.

I'm running out of time. The deadline for entries is on Saturday, and I haven't made a video yet and I just sound so horrible gftdsoaidfjhnmvcdw why didn't I get the musical genes?! *hagulgol* And I'm just here in my room recording and afraid I might be bothering the other residents with my awful voice. But I do want to give it a shot and just iogjkfhvnbdcdasikdjhfgintukjthgi. And we have a camping for CWTS from tomorrow 'til Sunday and now is the only time I can do this. Unless they extend the deadline, which I think would be unlikely and /wrist at that and I just wish I were home so I can work with my brother and use a guitar instead of making crappy instrumentals which are actually the actual audio files with the vocals badly removed, as in you can still here them anyway. (-__________________-)

Why?!

(Sorry for making this a rant blog again.)

Forgive me

2012-02-01T22:09:00.000+08:00

Please forgive me for staring at you. You happen to have a really nice smile. So, forgive me for looking somewhere else when you look my way. You melt me with your eyes. You melt me with your awesome smile. Your mere presence slowly melts my heart. So forgive me for looking down when talking to you. I was just thinking of the possibility of embarrassing myself in front of you. In Jenna Hamilton's words, you are "perfection, and I'm just a hot mess of nerves." So forgive me for stuttering. You leave me speechless with your soothing voice. So forgive me for smiling everytime you sing. The notes just seem to emanate from you, slowly making their way into my ears and deeper into me, touching my soul.

So forgive me for being awkward. Because I totally forgive you for causing it. :p

That awkward moment when...

2012-01-30T18:08:00.001+08:00

...You just submitted a 9-page paper, of which five are for references and the appendix. And that paper's just...50% of your grade!

I'm supposed to be happy since I have no more paper to worry about. But I really feel so guilty and mortified. So it's a given that I am a person of very few words but, that was one major paper. And I handed it in late. And my professor received it personally. /wrist

Maybe it's because I know I can do better than that. And it was basically: data, few sentences, another set of data, few sentences and so on and so forth. And I just realized when I was walking back to the dorm that it might not have real content after all. O_O Ok, so maybe I'm overreacting and there's still another paper but well...let's just say I'll have to make that REALLY good and get a perfect score to make up for this. On the bright side, we'll be using songs for our corpus. BUT I'm not really a fan of Parokya ni Edgar (sorry). I neither like nor dislike them. So yeah, I'm somewhere in the middle.

At least I can eat and sleep properly now.

OR NOT.

Another Sunrise

2012-01-25T14:08:00.002+08:00

Here's to surviving yesterday. :D I figured out that I just probably needed someone to talk to. And it just felt good knowing I'm surrounded by awesome people. :) Sure, I didn't really get to talk to them in person about the things bothering me but...let's just say they managed to make me smile with our online correspondence. They might be unaware but well...they did save me from myself--my darker and quitter half. :P

"Never give up." This is definitely my favorite pair of shoes (probably because my father bought them for me. :P) and I've been wearing them a lot lately. (But with pink laces, because the blue ones' aglets are busted. :( ) It really helps since I'm that person who looks down while walking. And well, I just get the time to contemplate everytime I walk. I'm obviously not immune to negative thoughts so these shoes help brighten my day by giving me hope and convincing me to push harder. I have to admit, it was pretty clever of me to write those words on these shoes. (Nagbuhat ng sariling bangko?! :P)

Here's to hoping I post more positive things because, well, I need to justify my blog url. hahaha

Never give up.

Holiday*

2012-01-24T23:24:00.000+08:00

"You know I'll run far away, I need to take a holiday. Maybe it's a fall from grace...I gotta find a new place..."

Right now, I just want to be as far away as possible from. I need some time to think and probably even look for myself because I know she's been gone for days, running away from just about everything.

I don't even know where to find her. I'm this hollow shell, just a few disappointments away from giving up. I need some time off to run after her and tell her to come back because she's missing out on a lot of wonderful things, simply because her mind's been clouded with negative thoughts. I'd like to think she's just running away from things she's finding too difficult to handle, and not life itself.

We definitely need to talk. She's letting go of the wrong things, and she doesn't realize that until it's too late.

"A holiday, I'll set off on a new chase. I gotta see a new face. I need to take a holiday."

I just need to take a break and contemplate, but I'm having the wrong ideas on how to attain that much-needed break. It's a constant fight against myself. Positivism usually reigns but I don't know until when. It's very tiring, the repetitive push and pull.

I need to find myself before it's too late. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up--the internal struggle...I don't know how long I'll be able to convince myself I'll be missing out on a lot of wonderful things if I let go. I won't be giving up just one thing...

Hold on, Sunburn. Hold on.

Hold on for that wonderful sunset that reminds you another day is on the way--another day to do things you've failed to do. Hold on for those sparkling stars on the night sky. Hold on for the people you love. hold on for yourself.

Hold on, Sunburn. Hold on.

---

* Lines from Boys Like Girls' Holiday from their self-titled album.

Eat That Up, It's Good For You*

2012-01-24T01:24:00.001+08:00

"You're holding on too long, you've got to let go..."

Shifting to another course now would be very selfish of me, simply because: 1) I chose this course; 2) I'm already in my third year. I've taken a lot of units which might no longer be credited if I shift out; and 3) My brother's going to college next year. Which means my father will be spending even more, and if I shift out, it might take me three or four more year in college. Parang sumabay pa ko sa kapatid ko.

"Why shift now?", you might ask. As I've mentioned before, I'm in this love-hate relationship with my course and I realized I know so less about it. Plus, I feel so unhappy where I am right now. The passion is just not there. Sure, I enjoy Praat, and semantics but...there are days when I just feel like giving up. Like I just want to drop out of college and pursue a musical career.

Which won't take me far, because, well, I am not so talented in music--I stopped playing the guitar when I entered college, and well, I don't have an awesome voice. I want to make my own music but that would require knowledge in music theory...and money.

But come to think of it, my original plan was to enter college para lang masabing nagtapos ako. It's not like I'm expecting to get a decent job upon graduating. And I can't deal with bosses.

Then at some point, I learned to love linguistics, and forgot about "the plan". But then I'd hate linguistics again and wish to shift to another course--pero wala naman talaga akong certain course in mind. I wanted to shift out of linguistics but I had no idea what I wanted to shift into anyway. Perhaps it's just another product of my impulsiveness. A friend even old me for that maybe I'm really into linguistics, since I can't think of any other course, anyway.

Along the way, the plan changed...a bit. Graduate, get a job or do whatever to earn money then study again. I gained interest in studying speech pathology, but I thought, "Bakit di ko pa tapusin to? Third year na naman ako, malapit na kong grumaduate, konting tiis na lang." But as the months passed by, I felt like I was just dragging myself through all of these. And then I wondered, what do I really want? I can come up with a list of things I want to do (which are a lot, seriously) in the future, but honestly, I don't know what I want to do right now. I'm happy with the transcription job (as I've mentioned earlier, I love Praat), but I know I can't do that forever. I can't keep on writing papers on vowel spaces either.

"Your other love is gone and you know it's too late, too late..."

When was the last time I felt genuinely happy, anyway? I'm just too focused on my first love...and I know I was more than happy when I had him. I was so willing to give everything up just to be with him. But now he's gone. It didn't end quite well, I knew I didn't give him my all even though I was so into him. My heart was so into him, I just didn't know how much of it was.

Everytime I think of him post-separation, I just wonder how things would have been if we did become an us. Would I even care if I were unhappy with my course? Would he have inspired me to do better in linguistics or would my whole world have revolved around me, making me forget everything else?

I want him back, but when's the right time? Or were we just not meant for each other?

"You've got another one coming and it's going to be the same..."

Or perhaps I've got to change my attitude and outlook. Maybe I have to be happy with what I'm doing and accept the fact that there are really some things I won't like about linguistics. Perhaps if I shift into another course with my current attitude, I'll still end up unhappy upon finding just even a small part I don't like.

"You're holding on too long, you've got to let go..."

Perhaps it's not linguistics I should let go of, but my first love which has been making it hard for me to move on and love someone, something else.

---

* Quotes from Eat That Up, It's Good For You, a song from Two Door Cinema Club's Tourist History album. Played about thrice on my mp3 player (which was on shuffle, btw) and the words just spoke to me.

Thoughts "Bothering" Me Right Now

2012-01-23T00:21:00.001+08:00

Because I can't function properly with all these thoughts inside my head. :P

---

Asking me if I still like you is like asking me if I still like Miley Cyrus.

Because the time *bleep* was first aired in the Philippines was the moment I realized I still liked you. I liked you way before then the feeling went away, then I liked you again and the feeling...stayed. But if anyone asks if I still like you, an honest answer would be I don't know. Even though I know I've gotten over you, the slightest feeling seems to come back everytime I see you, or someone mentions your name. Your mere existence makes the feeling haunt me. I know it's a hopeless case anyway, unless I find someone else--who probably will be another case of you...a one-sided feeling that will never be revealed anyway.

---

I have a love-hate relationship with my course.

I realized this wasn't what I really wanted upon our first meeting. I realized I didn't know you that much and most of what I knew about you was probably untrue. Fast forward to three years later, and here I am, still unsure of how I feel about you.

When asked what course I would be taking in college, I would answer Linguistics, ever since sixth grade. The only idea I had of it was that I would get to learn other languages. Come first day of my Linguistics 110 class and I realized that wasn't the focus of my course, the scientific study of language which dealt with structures, and basically describing languages. It wasn't all about phonetics and phonology, either (which I love, by the way), there was syntax to deal with, too.

Until now, I haven't yet learned to love everything about Linguistics. I love Praat, semantics, phonetics and phonology but not syntax, theories (which are very important, btw, for they are the "foundations"), and history. I also dislike writing papers so it's a mystery how I survive. Sometimes I just want to give up but I realize I'm almost there. But is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?

---

Somedaydream is improving in terms of live performances.

And he is cute. Oh how I long to watch him perform live. :|

I think he'll go a long way...we'll he's just starting, so let's give him a chance. I have so much faith in him--I think he'll grow through experience. Then, perhaps, he'll lessen the autotune...or maybe make it less noticeable. Don't take it as an insult. I am a fan. Seriously. I even blogged about his album a month ago. Oh yeah, and I promised an album review. (I'll do it as soon as I get my CD from Lucena, and something to play it with.)

---

That's about it. And I thought I had a lot of things in mind. Psh. Oh well, at least I've lessened the load. :P

The Battle Against Cyberbullying

2012-01-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

"You have to fight for your happiness. (...) Never settle for anything less than what you want." (Lao, 2012)

I have to admit--a lot of this year's ACLE seemed interesting that I found it hard to choose which one I was going to. Last night, I narrowed it down to three--PAFT's Food Blogging, UP Salin's Sign Language, and the one I eventually went to--UP KaPiTas' Cyberbullying. It actually seemed like an answered prayer, I learned about it on OSA's FB page and I just felt that that's the one I had to attend since that's my topic for my still unfinished Kas 114 paper. Plus, Mr. Christopher Lao was the guest speaker. An alumnus actually suggested that I interview Mr. Lao for my paper but well I was too shy to do so. :P

Anyway, for those of you who don't know who Mr. Lao is (for some reason), he was a victim of ~~irresponsible journalism~~ an unfortunate...hmm...incident, in which his reaction was recorded, actually shown on TV and became viral online.

"I should have been informed" instantly became a meme and a lot of netizens criticized Lao, some even called him arrogant.

Lots of hate [fan] pages were made. (I forgot exactly how many. My laptop broke down and it turns out I didn't copy the draft of my paper. :P) One page alone had about 200 000 likes ("People like to attack in packs," as he put it), and contained really rude and some racist (pertaining to Chinese) comments. Lao was an instant celebrity, however one that was a victim of cyberharassment (or as others would say, cyberbullying. Though according to my research, cyberbullying is used when the victim is a minor).

Honestly, back then, the issue wasn't a big deal to me. I just wished that the netizens would give the poor guy a break, the issue should have been the FAIL water drainage system in the Philippines. I thought that he himself shrugged it off and simply moved on with his life, lalo na when I saw the BPI autoloan advertisement.

Two months later--a "reenactment" of the interview.

I seem to have forgotten that he is not immune to feeling negatively especially when subjected with such comments and name-calling. I really admire how he was able to give the talk earlier, telling us what he went through (he had to undergo the emotional stress while reviewing for the bar exam), and how he recovered, more so from having his reputation tainted. What I admire more is that he's giving these talks in other schools and universities as well, lobbying the Anti-Cyberbullying Law.

In the survey I conducted last year, most of the respondents said that cyberbullying isn't really something serious in the Philippines. Quoting one, "It's like stubbing your toe, you just walk it off." Most of them (sorry, can't give the exact figures. As I've mentioned before, my laptop got busted.) never even told anyone about the bullying or confronted the bully.

One point they raised was that it would be hard to monitor activities online, and one can't really tell who the perpetrators are, especially with the option of anonymity. Furthermore, we can never be sure of the truthfulness of information people post online. For social networking sites, it's easy to create a fake account (like the one in Cyberbully, the film shown during the ACLE).

Moreover, these people don't automatically consider name-calling or [usually] offensive words as cyberbullying, especially if received from friends or people they're close to. (And I think some of these bad words are losing their intensity with frequent use, or even perhaps lose their meaning. I see friends calling each other b*tches online, or cuss without really meaning it.)

But perhaps if the law is passed more people might have the courage to strike back--well not really fighting back but at least telling the bully to back off. And perhaps people will be discouraged to bully others. (Which makes me wonder, has this become part of culture?)

Bullying is no longer foreign to us, and with the advancement of technology, it made its way online (and through other electronic means), perhaps due to socialization also taking place in the internet. Has it become a phase, then? Do we all undergo a stage wherein we had to get bullied in order to grow and be strong? Well I do hope that's not the case.

Let's not wait for someone to lose his life because of cyberbullying before we take action. In the US, some would go as far as committing suicide, with all the emotional pain and psychological stress. That's probably the reason I chose this topic--the issue of suicide has always been touchy to me. I get all teary-eyed when I watch a movie or read a book with this theme. (For instance, Jay Asher's Thirteen Reasons Why and Ned Vizzini's It's Kind of a Funny Story, though the former pained me more since the character, Hannah Baker did decide to end her life.) Those people don't deserve that. I know what it's like to be alone--it's awful. More so if you're surrounded by lots of people but still feel alone. I think they need someone to talk to. They might not immediately open up, but they eventually will if you have the time and patience and show them you're trustworthy.

I feel like it's a cycle. Just like in Let Me In, the male protagonist was constantly bullied by a classmate but we find out eventually that *SPOILER ALERT* the classmate, in turn, was bullied by his older brother. So I shouldn't really base my examples on movies but you get my point. Bullying is not some kind of heirloom we pass on to the next generation. It's bad. Period.

More so if it's cyberbullying--you don't even know who you're up against. I just wish we'd use technology (especially media) responsibly and wisely. I know it's easy to say but let's at least try. Think before you click. Or maybe more appropriately, think before you type. There's nothing wrong with expressing your own opinions (it's a free country anyway), just be sensitive enough to know what might offend others and what might not.

---

(Oh, and if you're wondering why I started with that quote, I just happened to like it. XD Sorry, I wasn't able to explain the relevance...I didn't organize my thoughts again early on. :P Anyway, it's that well, victims of bullying often feel depressed and Mr. Lao was asked about how he found inner peace and happiness--basically his philosophy in life. And that quote just went straight through my chest and I suddenly remembered my first love, which might not really be related to the topic but anyway...XDD)

(Oh, and I just realized there were a lot of points I forgot to mention. But perhaps this post is getting too loing. :P)

(And take you for the cake, UP KaPiTas, it was really good. :3 And the coffee.)

*** I might post my findings on my study on cyberbullying...as soon as I pass my final paper. :P I'd love to share it with other people. What's the point of keeping it to myself, anyway?

THG Fever

2012-01-18T22:39:00.000+08:00

Since The Hunger Games will be shown in cinemas just a few months from now...

I've been dying to get my hands on THG merch. I've seen a shirt before, that I instantly liked, I just hope it gets reprinted, or there's another batch of orders.

THG shirt by advicepeeta. I really fell in with this shirt at first sight. :3

The Perfect White Shirt posted a picture of their THG shirt this afternoon, which will be available on the 26th. They're probably going to sell it for PhP350 (not sure though, but their shirts usually cost that much). I like the design, it's simple but it definitely has the THG vibe (What am I saying?! Hahaha. You get it. :P). I just hope it comes in other colors, 'coz I'm not a fan of black. (Ok, so that might take away the THG feel but...)

THG shirt by The Perfect White Shirt

And a friend of mine posted this pic on Facebook (Thanks Apple! :D).

Mockingjay pin by Wrist and Shout

And I think it looks like the real thing! (Though I haven't really seen the one they used in the movie yet.) But I definitely want to have one. I've finished reading all three books last year and know that this is probably the closest I can get to feeling like ~~I'm Katniss Everdeen~~, hmmm...I don't really know. But this looks legit enough. hahaha So please click the link and like the photo to convince Wrist and Shout to produce this, and maybe even for a lower price. :)

If you know where else I can find THG merch, please do tell me. You can below or message me or whatever. Just please tell me. :D Thanks! :)

Faith in the next generations...?

2012-01-16T19:16:00.000+08:00

So kababalik ko lang mula sa sportsfest at ito ang tumambad sa kin pagbukas ko ng Facebook.

Ang unang pumasok sa isip ko? "Kid, get ready to be cyberbullied." So I checked out her blog and found about fifteen pages of TA's, reactions on the kid's posts.

"UP is the university for worthless people." Hmm, I don't even want to comment on that anymore. Just. Pfft. But her other post, well that's what I'll comment on, instead.

"Anong meron sa oblation? Bakit kayo nagsasayang ng oras sa activity na yon kung wala namang saysay?"

Ok, so medyo hindi ko nagets kung anong nais nyang ipakahulugan dun, kaya hihimayin ko. Una: "Anong meron sa oblation?" Obviously, hindi nya alam ang simbolismo nito. Well, if she was talking about the oblation per se, *sigh*. Aaminin ko na nalaman ko lang ang ibig sabihin nito nung freshmen welcome assembly (?) and I swear, napa-aww talaga ako nung moment na nalaman ko. Sino ba naman ang hindi? Oblation = pag-aalay ng sarili sa bayan. Di ba napakadakila nun?

"Bakit kayo nagsasayang ng oras sa activity na yon kung wala namang saysay?" What activity? Kung kaugnay ito nung oblation, at ang ibig sabihin nya ay yung oblation run, well, kid, this year they ran for the Pasig river. At alam ko every year, may iba't ibang mensahe silang ipinararating, social issues ata usually. So, wala bang saysay yun?

"Wala talaga akong planong pumasok sa unibersidad na yon dahil alam kong magulo lang dun."

Ok. Magulo? Bakit? I-aassume ko lang na ang tinutukoy nya ay ang mga aktibista. Well, nung wala pa naman ako sa UP, honestly, ang tingin ko sa mga NPA bayolente, pati na rin sa mga aktibista pero dahil yun sa wala pa akong ideya nun kung ano ang ipinaglalaban nila at iba ang pinapakita sa atin ng media. Pag ba hindi sang-ayon sa gobyerno, masama na agad? At pag ba aktibista, lahat ng ginagawa ng gobyerno kinokontra? Try nyong makipag-usap sa mga aktibista para maunawaan nyo sila. May point naman sila eh, and it just happens na kritikal silang mga tao, may pakialam sa social issues at kumikilos para sa tunay na pagbabago.

So apparently, si ateng nagpost ng mga bagay-bagay na ito ay hindi lamang naiintidihan ang mga bagay-bagay na nangyayari sa paligid. Tignan nyo to.

So yun, honestly gusto ko syang intindihin at against naman ako sa cyberbullying so hindi ko na sya ibabash or anything. *sigh* "I'm numb and indifferent." Ganito na ba talaga ang kabataan ngayon? Naalala ko tuloy yung sinasabi sa amin ng high school principal namin na (ok, hindi to verbatim, pero feeling ko ito yung gist hahaha) nagiging apathetic na ang mga kabataan ngayon. Ok, ang point ko naman is yes, ipinapahayag ko ang opinyon ko dahil ako mismo ay isang estudyante ng UP, pero more of, sana lang yung mga susunod na henerasyon ay makialam sa mga usapang panlipunan. (Shucks, nosebleed.) Akala nyo lang walang maidudulot na maganda yun para sa inyo, pero meron meron meron. Sabi nga ni Rizal (na hindi ko naman favorite hero, btw pero ikuquote ko na rin hahaha), ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan. Pero parang naiintindihan ko na yung pagkawala ng tiwala sa atin ng mga mas nakatatanda sa atin. Hindi naman kasi tayong lahat nakikialam at kumikilos. So ang gusto ko lang naman talagang sabihin, instead of throwing this kid words that would probably hurt her, i-educate na lang natin sya, para mabawasan na ang mga taong walang pakialam. :p Ayun, gaya nga ng pinoint out ko kanina, marahil hindi nya makita ang worth ng mga Iskolar ng Bayan dahil hindi nya naiintindihan ang mga ipinaglalaban natin. Ayun lang naman. Magandang gabi sa inyong lahat. :)

Physical for a day

2012-01-16T18:09:00.002+08:00

I will not survive a zombie apocalypse.

Ok, so I've known that even years before but the events today proved it. Today was KAPPalakasan Part II--my college's (CSSP) sports fest. So I signed up for dodgeball and patintero because they're fun and perhaps also because I miss playing patintero. The last time I played was in Kalai when I was still a freshie (now I'm in my third year).

First patintero was supposed to be at 12nn, and I left the dorm at about fifteen minutes after 12 so I had to walk really fast from my dorm to Sunken Garden. Konting lakad na lang papunta dun, sumakit pa yung tagiliran ko so I had to slow down. And I was feeling a bit week since I've only had a brownie for lunch (my fault, though, since I left the dorm late).

When I arrived at SG, my friend told me that we won by default since our opponents weren't able to show up (since they had classes, I think). *whew* For that, I was able to rest for a while. Then our dept rep told us that we needed five people to play ultimate frisbee and at least three others for substitution. None of us who were there at that time knew how to play it so we had to pratice, and the game was at 1pm (if I remember it correctly). The catching and throwing part was okay, but hinapo ako when we tried to play the game, with the running back and forth. Come the real match with the Geography department, I didn't get to play and our department didn't win but that's okay. :P I'm just glad that we got to learn the basics of UF, thanks to Luigi, a Lingg freshie. :)

Next was tug-of-war, which I didn't really participate in since, well, I'm really skinny and I don't think I would be able to help in pulling anyway. :P It was another loss for us but I admire our team's effort. (We had, um, opponents who were bigger than us.)

Then came dodgeball. I had to admit, I was really excited to play this game so I was really disappointed that I was the first to be hit during the first round. XD But second round really drained my energy. I was the last one left in our team with basically all six balls on my side, running out of breath dodging the balls the other team threw at me. I'm not really good at hitting people with balls. I tried my luck but ended up getting hit anyway. :P

For patintero, I didn't move that much. The first two lines were heavily guarded and the patotot was also there. And the score depended on the farthest line a player has reached. We also lost but well we were really just playing for fun anyway.

Today was really awesome. Although it proved that I would never survive a zombie apocalypse, I got "athletic" for a day. The physical "stress" (ok, not really stress, but perhaps tiredness) made me miss my love, and, well, it was a really fun experience, since I don't get to do this everyday. I was really after the fun factor and "department spirit" anyway. Great day, great day. :)

When I Can't Sleep--One of the Reasons

2012-01-16T01:00:00.001+08:00

I just find it hard to sleep when I have unanswered questions in my mind. Well, at least ones that I know I know the answers to but just seem to have forgotten. Actually, when the questions pops, I feel like the answer is at the tip of my tongue so I try to think real hard and try to remember the things I associate with it. Then if I still can't remember, I give up after a while. Then I'll forget about it. But then a few minutes before going to bed, the question pops up again, then I get so bothered. *sigh*

And this is happening to me right now. (-________-) So for today, three things ang bumabagabag sa akin. (Yes, I had to use Tagalog because I felt bumabagabag is the right word. :p)

My friend Kevin and I were talking about typical lingg stuff and he mentioned that he has finally decided what his topic would be for Lingg 170--kanan and kaliwa. He said that it might be that kanan is associated with postive things, like kanang kamay. But he also said that it might just "borrowed" from the English expression right hand. So I suddenly remembered 150 and said something like "Oh yeah, what's that phenom called again? It's some kind of a lexical change right?"
We would usually hatid our friend Alfred to his dorm whenever we get back from the mall, and stand by the window, waiting for him to enter his room. While waiting, we heard this old song and we just couldn't recall the title. And I can't even remember the tono now. :P
The name of a former dorm mate.

As of now, only #2 is unanswered. The answer to #1 is calque. It's basically borrowing a term from another language translating it word-for-word in your own. And for #3, we just asked a friend for the answer. :P

But #2 would probably no longer bother me since I can't remember the tune anyway. :p So now I can go to sleep...well, unless I suddenly remember the tune and it starts to bother me again. XD

Officially 19: Expectation vs. Reality

2011-12-28T16:50:00.000+08:00

Expectation:

kiddie party hats
spending day somewhere special
spending day with loved ones
making own cake (preferably cheesecake)
lots of food (well, cake and ice cream, at least)
presents

Reality

woke up at around 1pm
blogging
internet all day
waiting for people to greet me

And the eagle has landed

2011-12-21T18:17:00.000+08:00

For the past few days, my Facebook friends have probably been witnessing my excessive *bleep*-ing due to a package not yet arriving. Rejoice, friends, for you shall no longer see my *bleep*-ing posts! :D

Just a few minutes earlier, I received a call from this unregistered number. So at first I thought, "Is this my aunt?" then the guy started talking about my package from Astroplus. :3 Me gusta. He was asking me about my house and apparently, he was nearby (he was by the health center at that time). I was ecstatic and could not hold back my joy even when he handed me that Air21 bag.

And what are the contents of this bag, you might ask...

*squeal* (Sorry, fangirling.) A signed copy of Somedaydream's self-titled album! :D Plus freebies! (baller, pin, and poster) Which is my early Christmas + birthday give to myself. XDD Shall post more pics, deets, and prolly a review soon...:D

One down. Now I'm waiting for my salary so I can pay my mother back. (I borrowed money from her so I could pay for this on time. lels)

Waiting in Vain

2011-12-20T20:10:00.000+08:00

Sometimes waiting can bring such pain. Or maybe that's just my impatient side speaking. Lately, I've been finding myself waiting for a lot of things.

1. My laptop. Merrick (my old laptop given to me by my aunt) got busted by the end (or near-end) of the first semester this year. Which was very unfortunate on my part since at that time, I was at the climax of my paper-making and I had to go home to Lucena just to be able to borrow my aunt's notebook and finish my papers.

So what exactly happened to my Merrick? Even before the total breakdown, it shuts down by itself after a while. I thought it was due to overheating (I did some Googling) so I bought a fan cooler. The problem didn't get fully solved but the automatic shutdowns lessened. Then the LCD started acting weird until finally, last month (I think) the LCD would just show pink and green. And I wasn't even able to backup my files. :( So my aunt had it checked and the people there suggested (not really a solution) not putting down the LCD when the laptop is still hot.

So I told my father and I shall get my new laptop on January. I'm not even sure when exactly on January.

And a laptop is essential to the nature of my course.

2. The CD I ordered. I thought it would be here by now but well, I received a text message from Air21 this morning, saying it will be delivered tomorrow. Okay, so I won't have to wait that long but the excitement is killing me. XD Arrive at my doorstep ASAP, please? :3 ~~But I can wait longer if they deliver Rez himself.~~

3. My flash drive. Which got write-protected after I plugged it into one of the main library's computers. And which I got to use for just about a week, i think. (-____-) Just brought it to CD-R King this evening and they said I'll have it back after 2-3 weeks. I'll have classes again by then.

4. My meager salary. :P Because I need cash ASAP. :(

5. My birthday. Okay, so I'm not actually waiting for it. It's just that...I want this year's to be better than last year's. Because pretty much NOTHING happened last year. (-________-) And to think it was my 18th. Oh well.

Excuse me for being materialistic (and impatient). I just needed to get this out of my system. So there. Oh, what to do to take my mind off these things.

Late night/very early morning muni-muni

2011-12-17T02:31:00.000+08:00

When I was applying for an org before, an alumnus asked me why I wanted to join in the first place. (Hulaan nyo na lang kung anong org yan. :p) Since my real reason was really crappy and embarrassing, I decided to just go with this: I realized that in college, you won't always be with your friends since there will come a time when you have to take different classes and consequently have different schedules and less common breaks. I wanted to have friends that I'll be friends with for a very long time.

Then he said something like, "Oh, so you're looking for a boyfriend."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Ok, no. That moment, I really wanted to say, "Actually, the guy I like is wertghgvidcsdhajbncvfadsj. And he's not even a member of the org" but, well, he's an alumnus and even't if he weren't, well, he's still older than me so...I think I just said no (or maybe I didn't even respond at all) because what he said really surprised me.

Not that he was right or anything. I don't know, it's just that I've never been interested in a guy. (Oh gosh that sounded wrong.) I mean, I had a crush on a few guys but it remained just that--a crush. I never reached the dude-I-wanna-be-your-girlfriend level. Ok, fine, sometimes I daydream about that...but that's with my celeb crushes.

So, anyway...lately that "moment" has been crossing my mind a lot. I'm in my third year in college now and things have been a bit different. I don't get to be with my [college] friends a lot anymore. Our schedules don't jive and we're just busy with something--acads, org stuff. And since most of my friends and I aren't from the same college, we don't get to have same classes. And even if we planned on doing so, there aren't sure slots for us.

So most of the time, I end up alone. Which shouldn't really be a problem since I should be used to it. But, well, maybe things change? Lately I've been dying to do things...not alone. I've missed out on events I wanted to go to because I had no one to come with me. And I can't drag my friends because they have other friends too, and other things to do.

And then I need someone to walk me home. My last class ends at around 7pm, which isn't really late, but...Okay, I can totally take care of myself but I can't avoid thinking of scenarios when I really need someone else but no one's there.

And then there are his romcoms and just plain cheesiness in the air...and it's almost Christmas...and I'm almost nineteen. Is it about time that I get myself a b-

Someone to go with me and just do crazy stuff with me...and walk me home and make sure I arrive home unscathed and safe...someone who'll laugh at all of my jokes--someone who gets my humor. Someone who'll cheer me up when I'm really feeling down...Someone who'll encourage me to do things I want but have always been afraid to do...someone who'll listen to what I have to say...

But then again, I can just hire someone to do all those things listed above. But that might cost me a lot.

Besides, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. There are a lot of things I have to discover about myself first. And lots that I have to change. Furthermore, I don't want to just say yes to whoever comes my way.

Because I''m a hopeless romantic. There, I admitted it. If I'm going to have a boyfriend, I want him to be someone I really love. I don't want to enter a relationship just because I want to be someone. That's just desperate. And wrong.

And besides (again), I'm not in a hurry. I'm only eighteen and I'm still going to meet a lot of guys (I just hope they're str-). I know that he's just out there and we'll get a chance to know each other better then we'll get there.

So, mister alumnus, I still don't think I applied because I was looking for a boyfriend. I'm pretty sure he's not in that org. And that time, I had a crush on someone...and his org was your org's n-ever mind. :)

I'm just not ready for that yet. I don't think I'll be able to give him my time and attention anyway. I've got quite a lot on my plate already and I'm not forcing myself to vomit to make space so I can devour everything. 'Coz that's just wrong and a lot of people are starving. (Anong konek?! XD)

I'm sorry I had to blog about this. I just needed to get it out.

One step forward and three steps back

2011-12-07T00:21:00.000+08:00

Letting go is not easy. Moving on isn't, either. After a couple of months, you think, "Oh, I'm so over him" but the moment you see him again, you feel this pain, no matter how little, again. And you flashback once more to those times you were still together.

Maybe that's why they associate heartbreak with wounds. You feel so hurt and wounded the moment you realize it isn't working anymore, or you have to go separate ways. Then you try to make it heal faster, it will always leave a mark--a scar, and it would take long before it's gone.

I didn't feel the pain at once. Perhaps because I've prepared myself a long time ago for that moment. As I was taking in the words he was throwing at me, I just thought, "Hey, you knew this would happen eventually." And I kept up that attitude for the rest of the night. Little did I know that I would feel the impact the day after...even weeks after. I couldn't help myself from feeling sad when I come across something that reminded me of him--places, songs, even other people. A thousand what if's would begin to plague my mind.

Everytime I think of him, only two emotions would fill me--happiness, then loneliness...ok, maybe three, add longing to the list. I never hated him, or got mad at him because I knew all along that the fault was mine--I didn't give him enough of me--time, attention. And perhaps I wasn't that dedicated to him.

Fastforward to present. Now, what I feel is regret. I can't help myself from getting jealous when I see him with someone else. I really miss those times when we were still together.

But, it also made me realize something. When there was still an us, I was actually missing out on a lot of things. I forgot about those people outside our own circle. Yes, with him, and because of him, I made new friends--but I forgot to keep in touch with my old friends. Back then, whenever my old friends and I would meet, I would wonder why I knew so little about what's currently going on with their lives. I would miss them and feel this gap somewhere in my heart.

But now, that's the way I feel about him. Scratch that, I feel like he has gone far away and taken my heart with him. It's been months and I thought, by now, I'd be over him.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Repeatedly Locked Out of SNS's

2011-12-04T23:48:00.000+08:00

Ok, so I have no idea what's up with me being redirected to the log in pages. It started when I clicked this notif on Facebook about a member of a group I'm in cancelling an event (which was pretty suspicious, by the way, because it had a link to online "world webcams".) I got logged out of Facebook, and had to input my e-mail add and password A LOT of times until I decided to uncheck the keep-me-logged-in box. Well, that did it for me...for Facebook, at least. Now I still can't log in to my Gmail and Tumblr. Gmail says redirect loop while Tumblr keeps on redirecting me to my homepage. >:(

My Twitter, by the way, was "unharmed" and so was my Yahoo mail. Wix, I can't log in to, too. I cleared the cache and cookies--still the same.

So now I'm thinking that perhaps the event was a scam. :| Ok, apparently, was a scam, just didn't think of it as that at once. Apparently, it was sent to all the members of the group I'm in. At first, I thought it was some conspiracy thing sent by my sister's boyfriend (who changed his surname). Turns out they just had the same first name. *facepalm* And besides, nothing really happened [immediately] when I clicked the link.

I've tried Spybot but it also didn't have the solution. Ok, so maybe it did wipe out those malwares/whatever that have been sitting in some corner unnoticed for I don't know how long now but I'm still having the redirecting problem. And I'm toast if I don't figure out a way to fix this soon since this is my aunt's notebook that I'm using. Why, oh, why?! T_T

***UPDATE***
So I tried using Firefox and I was able to log in to my Tumblr and Gmail. Chrome, what is wrong with you? :/

Finally, after eons of texting and waiting...

2010-10-10T15:28:00.000+08:00

Well, just about 12 hours or so, I think. I've been trying to register to Supersurf but was unsuccessful. I was really like, "Why now?!" earlier, since I had to e-mail my part for the paper. *sigh*

First of October

2010-10-02T03:35:00.000+08:00

Rainy first of October and it's really weird that I feel all happy right now because:
1) I woke up late.
2) Because I woke up late, I wasn't able to finish reviewing for our Anthropology 1 exam.
3) I feel that I'm going to fail the test.
4) We still have a paper to pass.

But I guess there are more things I'm happy about:
1) I was able to answer some items in the exam.
2) I was able to signup for another Psych experiment.
3) I was able to submit the family tree.
4) We can focus on the paper now.
5) the thought of writing a new story

Ok, so it seems that KickAss has somehow inspired me. I was thinking of a robo story but that will take a lot of research. So a superhero story maybe too common but hey...

I'm done with the introduction, I just hope that I'll be able to continue writing the rest of the story (whatever happened to the ghost story?).

P.S. It's 100110. Oh yeah, such a binary day. =P

Oh luscious apple pie, your filling's all over the place

2010-09-06T00:48:00.000+08:00

So after a day of not taking a bath (almost), staying in the room typing away, fast food for three meals, back and other body parts ache...THE PAPER IS FINALLY DONE! And it's time to rejoice because I can sleep now...or not (since I still have a take-home exam to answer). Yesterday was so [mentally, physically, and financially(?)]stressful slash tiring slash nerve-wracking slash whatever. I'm just glad we're done with the paper. (Thank you so much Mariel, Monica and Sam!)

So later will be another hike(?) since I'll have to face our take-home exam [in a MAJOR MAJOR subject] which I haven't even looked at. And it's all about analysis. I suck at analysis. Euck! I just hope I give decent, reasonable answers.

P.S. My bed has been worse than a garbage dump for days now. I've been wanting to clean up but I just don't have the time (and maybe the will) to do so. I wish I had powers so I can just vaporize my stuff or something. =P

Another day, another chance. I hope I do better this time. 加油! :)

[Edit: Oh yeah, I haven't really explained the apple pie thing. =P After submitting the paper, I rewarded myself with an apple pie...which I ordered from McDo earlier which I think is not so eco-friendly...yeah...]

Stayed in the room all day

2010-09-05T20:30:00.001+08:00

Well maybe not really, because I had to go to the bathroom to...and get water from the dispenser, and get my food from the delivery guy. Yeah, speaking of the delivery guy, well I just hate that this day all I ate was fast food. Yikes. This is bad. And I'm in the process of *gasp* ordering again. Well, I have no choice. I have to stay in all day for the paper. I hope we nail this one. And I hope I get blessed with a major eureka moment tonight. I hope...

Us vs. Paper--and the Paper's goin' down. Uh-huh. :]

2010-09-05T19:09:00.001+08:00

So...if I'm not mistaken this is my third [nonsense] post for the day. I do hope we finish the paper. I feel like I've been reeeeally unproductive lately and I hate that. I hope this comes to an end. Yes. :)

[Edit: I just realized that my posts' titles are obnoxiously big and they almost take up more space than the body of my posts...=P]

Post # 3. Paper: not yet done. Deadline: tonight, 11:59pm(?) Up next: take home exam, to be submitted on Monday

2010-09-05T13:45:00.000+08:00

I shouldn't be blogging right now. I really shouldn't but I can't.

When our professor told us to send in our drafts by early afternoon, I thought, "Oh pooh, we'll be done with that by morning." Ok, so wrong. It's 1:43 in the afternoon and I haven't even taken a bath yet. I haven't even had a decent meal (fast food =/= decent meal). And we have to finish the paper. But I'm doing this right now. Yes. Back to work now. =P

Day 2

2010-09-05T09:49:00.000+08:00

So I slept with my laptop on. Nice. I was only planning on sleeping for three hours, but ended up with twice that. And the paper still needs to get done. We're through with the tables but I still can't figure out how to do the color change thing. Bummer. T_T

And I think that I am just typing nonsense now because deep inside, I miss my Facebook account. Or not. Good morning world! ;)

[Edit: Oh wait, that wasn't what I was really going to blog about. I was going to say something about planning on just staying in my room all day but realizing that it was a Sunday and I have to go to church. Oh well.]

Hello World! :)

2010-09-04T21:23:00.000+08:00

So...it's been eight days since I deactivated my Facebook account. Meh. Who cares? I'm better off without it anyway. =P I don't even miss Facebooking (ok, maybe when I need updates on stuff). Besides, I've done nothing but flood my friends' feeds. (-_-)

Yes, and that's the reason I made this. I miss posting all my sentiments for the whole world to see. Muahahahaha... XD Ok, so I've got Tumblr, Twitter and Plurk accounts but not a lot of people do anyway...at least the ones I know. And I know no one will stumble upon this either! So, what's my point? I really don't know. I still have a paper to finish so I'm outta here. So much for my first post here. =P